does this make sense to you?

so bill collectors are now calling pretty much daily. my dad's FOUR hospital stays (one for a week) did not go by unnoticed. My dad is already talking about the car and life insurance payments that will soon be coming up when I mention getting a new computer, since my parents have pretty much destroyed all three. My car needs repairs and my dad's car has a destroyed oil pan. Not to mention, I'll need to pay for another semester of grad school soon. So.. with all these impending expensive payments, you'd think my family would behave frugally. NOPE. Dad bought a $1200 television today. We already have three tvs. Not one has a working dvd player. Oh.. but this tv is different.. it hooks up to the internet. So I have to unplug the internet from my computer to use it. And it can't hook up to television at the same time. Cause that comes in another room. Plus our antennae is so bad that barely any channels work. And my dad is mad at ME for thinking this tv was a bad idea. I understand my dad is a gadget nut (we have our very own weather station in the back yard), but this is ridiculous. We're going to lose the house and dad is buying another tv. Dear lord give me the strength not to murder my parents in their beds.

returning to the nest

I take back every complaint I ever made about my old job, or living in Naperville. While both were horrible, neither is as bad as being unemployed, unemployable, and living with my mother. Apart from the benefit of having a real, live psychopath that I can practice diagnosing, there is very little keeping me from jumping off the nearest bridge. Add to the fact that nearly every other aspect of my life has gone up in flames and the idea that I'm going to die a spinster gets more realistic every day and... it's a wonder I don't jump in front of the bus every morning. I know, I know.. I'm young. I'll finish grad school, meet a nice man or woman, get a job, and find a nice apartment with lots of locks and a new phone number.

Well.. I'll probably finish grad school, as I've already signed up for $20,000 in loans and I'd hate for all that to go for naught. Meeting someone gets a little more difficult, as I'm terrible at first impressions and even worse at keeping friends. I'm at a new school, and while I've made a fair amount of friends, I barely speak to anyone else. I don't know how to start conversations. I feel too boring and sluggish. Nearly a year of unemployment and too much t.v. has rotted my brain. And while I've ditched guys who treat me like a rest stop, it appears that that has cut out all of my prospects. As for a job.. we'll see. It's not like social services ever got much money, and after this election, they'll probably get even less. Fucking teabaggers. I'll keep dreaming for my own place though. Sometimes the only thing that gets me through my mother's waking hours is imagining how I'll decorate my bathroom.

all construction and no sleep makes kate an angry girl

I used to complain that the construction workers started before 8am. Now I look back on that time as a golden age... They've started working at 3am now. But there's light at the end of the tunnel. I hear they're going to be done by the end of the week. So, woot!

The cheese addiction is rearing its ugly head today. Especially since I'm on my pre-period binge and EVERYTHING looks good. Especially cheese-y things. So far I've been good. No dairy or eggs since I've started. Just had a snack of strawberries and I have leftover pasta from last night for dinner. So things shouldn't get out of hand. I'll bring nuts to my jumbo class to hold myself over. The challenge will come this evening when I bake cookies. I bake cookies for my study group students and being poor, I just shell out for the break and bake shit. Not vegan. So I can't have any. This is going to be a giant test of my willpower.

Veggie delights..

I made roasted red pepper sauce and pasta for dinner today from a vegan cookbook (I think it was called Supermarket Vegan). Smelled awesome, looked great, tasted... meh. Maybe it was the wheat pasta but something tasted off. Oh well. At least it was filling!

i am margot tenenbaum

I've smoked for four years, I have numerous tattoos, my number of sexual "conquests" is higher than I ever thought it would be...

and no one in my family is the wiser. I haven't started hiding cigarettes with the Q-tips, but I'm not far off. Most of my life is lived in secret anyway...

Veganism is going better today. Cheese cravings are there, but luckily I have enough tasty alternatives.

(mis)Adventures in Veganism

So I've been trying to go (and stay) vegan since the beginning of the year. But unfortunately, cheese has a hold over me that I've felt powerless to overcome. Recently tho, I listened to a talk from an animal rights activist, and it really kicked up my motivation to really give this a shot. It also gave me an idea for a plan. He said that dairy contains caso-morphins.. a chemical secreted into milk to induce bonding. Morphins.. as in morphine.. as in as addictive (or more.. not really sure on this) as heroin. As someone who's been on a host of psychological medications for depression and anxiety and still puffs a cigarette or two.. I know a lot about how my body responds to addictions. Those days when I run to the fridge and raid whatever cheese my unsuspecting roommates have left behind? I'm just getting my fix. So like all good addictions, I need to overcome my desire and seemingly physical need for cheese. This takes time. Just giving up cheese for a day isn't going to stop the cheese beast. It's going to rear it's ugly head even harder tomorrow. So.. like many addicts.. I'm living day to day. Week to week. Eventually I won't 'need' it anymore.

Today didn't get off to a very good start. Silly me bought rolls and didn't meticulously look through the ingredients.. whole milk AND eggs.. perfect. When I went to Target to pick up a loaf of bread, I realized that almost every single of loaf of bread in the place had milk in it. Since when does bread have milk in it? I wasn't even looking for honey (I'm not convinced with that argument.. maybe it's because I'm terrified of bees). But now I know why I can never have just one Trader Joe Parker House Roll.. they're addicting.. literally. I did all my shopping at Trader Joes.. but it seems like they're more friendly to vegetarians than vegans. I did manage to find some decent meatless entres.. chik'n nuggets and the like. The speaker made it sound like most of these are vegan, but I found a lot of them had hidden dairy.. Very sneaky. I even got myself to snack on cherry tomatoes during class. I hate tomatoes. I always feel like I'm popping a pimple when they burst open in my mouth. But I did it. I had a whole baggie of them. Maybe they'll grow on me.

wishful thinking

#420 Someone who will take a hundred photo booth pictures with me.

http://achoiceinthematter.tumblr.com/post/90511423/420